Friday, January 10, 2014

Fear and Guilt

Sunday will be P+17, the day I am supposed to take a home pregnancy test. Despite life doing its best to distract me (frozen pipes and needing all new tires), it's been hard to forget or ignore that mental countdown. So far there are no signs of spotting, nothing to suggest AF is approaching. I am still having several of those side effects (though my last HCG injection was P+9)/early pregnancy symptoms.

The fact is, there is a whirling mess of emotions going round and round inside of me. Hope is certainly one of them. But stronger than any others are fear and guilt. By now, I know a lot about being infertile and childless, but what do I know about being a mother? I am an aunt, a big sister, and I've been a baby sitter, but all of those pale in comparison to the overwhelming task of being Mom. There is no handing the child back when you are Mom; you are the one that everyone else hands the child to. Given our financial situation, I am also wondering how we could possible afford a baby; those new tires certainly didn't help. As of right now, Husbandido would have to work 160 hours of overtime and get paid for them before Oct. 1 for us to get completely dug of our mess. (This is where I know I should be trusting God to provide, but I'm still quite terrified.) We do have something of an absolutely last-ditch emergency fund if we have no other choice, but we are trying hard to avoid tapping it. I'm not old old, but I'm past the point of the dreaded "Advanced Maternal Age" and all the increased risks that come with it. Being infertile and childless has become comfortable, and I almost wonder if I want to leave it. (Told you those insanity producing hormones were powerful.)

Even if that home test is positive, I don't think I would yet be confident that our wait would be over. I'm not even sure when I would be comfortable thinking of it as "having a baby." Certainly not until after blood tests looked good, but even still, I can't help but feel like I know too much. Yes, the odds may be good after you hear a heartbeat or make it past 12 weeks, but knowing so many who have suffered even late losses, I am scared. Yes, I am still having some early pregnancy symptoms, but I do not feel remotely as queasy as I did during our brief previous pregnancy. (My mother will sometimes remind me that every pregnancy is different, and that having such symptoms really doesn't say anything about the health of the child. All of which is certainly true but not particularly reassuring.) I am scared of losing another child; as much as I want to hope, I am scared to.

The other dominant emotion in this maelstrom is guilt. So many of my friends have been through so much more than I have, trying longer, having surgeries, or multiple losses that if we are so blessed, it doesn't seem right or fair that it should be us, who have suffered comparatively little. I know there isn't a set amount of suffering that one must endure to be rewarded with a baby; really, I do know that. And of course, I know that if we have conceived, it in no way affects anyone else's chances; there is not a finite number of babies to go around. But I worry that us conceiving on our very first NaPro cycle would feel like a slap in the face to those who have endured so much more. The last thing I would want is to cause my friends pain. I also wonder what would happen to the wonderful friendships I have cultivated with others going through IF. No, the friendships wouldn't necessarily end, but they would certainly change, just as your friendships with your single friends change when you marry. 

I know that all this fear and worry aren't doing me any good, that I need to just hand it all over to Him and trust in His plans. (It's just hard.)

I'd like to leave you with a song that I am finding comforting right now, addressing the question of "Why?," helping me remember that I will likely never know, at least this side of heaven.


  1. Praying for you in the midst of ALL the emotions!

  2. The few times I've made it to the eve of "I'll test tomorrow" I've had very similar thoughts. I found myself nodding along when you said "I know a lot about being infertile and childless." And my heart broke for you :(.

    I'm sending lots and lots of prayers your way - and hoping along with you that there is BFP announcement 'round here very soon. Oh, and hoping that you are very soon learning all about being a mom!

    Prayers and (((hugs))).

  3. I recently came across your blog and first time commenting. I hope you are pregnant. What ever the outcome I hope you have some peace from the guilt, anxious feelings and fear. Praying for you.

  4. Yup all these feelings and emotions I know well. I do hope and pray that you get a BFP and like Rebecca said, that you are soon learning how to be a mom.

  5. You've nailed it... for whatever reason, I didn't think about a lot of these things before getting pregnant, but since then its all hit me hard. Especially the anxiety of the transition--as you said, we know all about being infertile--and that even becomes a sort of "comfort zone--so when that positive test comes along it really is a big adjustment. My husband didn't get that when I tried to explain it to him those first couple of months... Plus, that lack of confidence that the wait is over--we all know (via Facebook/blogs) a disproportionate number of women who have been through late-term losses, and I think that skews our perception of the possibility.

    Prayers for you, and I hope you get your BFP! And that you find peace if you don't--remember that even with a perfectly working body, its normal to take a few tries...

  6. Every time I make it past P+14 I have those same thoughts it is scary and exciting. Hoping you hang in there and get a bfp. Hugs

  7. Yes to all of this! Sending prayers your way. Hoping for good news for you guys!