Last month I turned 38. We've been TTC for 4 years and 3 months. I have no clue if my eggs are any good or if they were ever any good; there simply isn't any way to tell. More than 2 months after our last doctor's appointment, I'm still fighting to get everything I need to send our records to PPVI. Our FCP is rarely answering my e-mails, and then only after a significant delay. (I understand that she's busy, but she's also the one that convinced us that sending everything to PPVI was what we should do.) I spent the weekend before last waiting for her to call and not having the phone ring. Quite frankly, I feel like I am waiting for Godot.
Meanwhile, I've been seeing the phrase "worth the wait" turn up in a number of blog posts. It's reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend a little more than a year ago about how it's easy to say that it's worth the wait if the end result is having a child or an adoption that goes well, but can you say it's "worth the wait" if the wait doesn't end or ends with a heartbreaking result? She planned to write a post on it, but I don't think she ever did, and now she's pregnant. So this is my opinion on "worth the wait."
Looking back, from a position of having gained what you wanted, how easy is it discount the wait, the pain, the exhaustion, the suffering? Or from a different angle, if you knew, absolutely, that at a certain time you would gain your heart's desire, wouldn't it be much easier to use the intervening time productively, preparing yourself to receive it? We have no window to the future, no crystal ball. (And trying to know the future always ends badly - just ask Macbeth.)
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." The Man in Black, The Princess BrideLately I can't help but agree with with the Man in Black. For all my hopes and optimism this month, it turns out that my blood work was again horrible. Estradiol was only about 1/3 of that desired; progesterone was only half. I've had plenty of months of great P+7 blood work, with nothing to show for it. What am I waiting for? For paperwork, for answers? I don't know if I care about answers anymore. Most particularly, for a different answer? I want the answer to be "Yes" but expect it to stay "No." If the wait never ends, can it be worth the wait?