Sunday, January 12, 2014

Inanimate Objects Don't Lie (And Other Lessons from Today)

Before I say anything else, I want to start with a giant "Thank You!" All of your thoughts, hugs, and prayers have meant so much to me as I have struggled with impatience, mixed emotions, and high hopes. 

I had it all planned out: I wasn't going to stay up too late Saturday night, but long enough so that I would fall asleep easily. Then I would wake up early Sunday, get a positive test, and leave a message so I could have the blood work done on Monday. Of course none of it worked out like that. An upset stomach kept me awake (and running to the bathroom) until 1 am, then I woke up at 5 am. I figured it would still be okay to test, since it was P+17, right? As I sat there, anxiously waiting for the darn blinking hourglass to finish up so I could go back to bed, I didn't really doubt that it would be positive. Clear as day, though, were the words "Not pregnant." (I have a general policy against messing around with "is there a line? Maybe that's a line?" I skip straight to digital, in black and white.) I managed to convince myself that the negative test was surely because it had only been 4 hours, and so the concentration was too low. I would get a better night's sleep tonight, and that positive test would be mine tomorrow. With that happy thought (and a temporarily calm stomach), I went back to sleep. But when I got up for the second time, I noticed what might be the start of spotting. (Of course I didn't want to believe it.) But as the day has worn on, the spotting has increased; it's now at the point where I'm just waiting for day 1 to arrive. 

If you guessed that I've been a mess today, you would be right. (Sadly, I have no prizes to give away. Better luck next time?) I have, however, managed to get boxes ready for recycling, tidy the basement, put away dishes, and do a load of laundry. That and play way too many mindless match 3 type games. I talked to my mom; hoping that would help. She tried, really she did, but the line that stuck out in the whole hour long conversation was "Well, the doctor said that he really didn't expect it to work the first time, didn't he?" Yes, but... It's hard to ignore what you think your body is telling you. The first time on a new set of meds you don't know how they are going to affect you, so it's harder to know what is just a side effect. 

Lessons from today: 1) Inanimate objects don't lie. (Stupid test!)
2) No matter what I think my body is telling me, it's just a side effect until proven otherwise.
3) It is possible to still have sore boobs while starting to spot. (When is *that* going to stop? I would really like my chest back.)

I should probably go eat something that isn't chocolate... I haven't had much of an appetite. I hope and pray you've all been having better days than me.


  1. :( lots of love and hugs and prayers coming your way! (Stupid test!)

    No idea on the boobs - I just noticed mine hurting last cycle for the first time in forever (I'm not sure if I was oblivious/blocking it out prior or if I made it up since I knew I'd ovulated).

  2. Ugh... sorry about the test, and sorry you were sick all night :( Prayers for you!

  3. Oh Stephanie, I am so sorry. Ugh...what a crappy day. ((((HUGS)))) I wish I could do more.

  4. I'm so sorry for the BFN. I always had extra hope the first cycle after something new (meds, surgery, etc.). As for your lesson #3, I've had that symptom last through day 1 sometimes, which really messed with my head. Praying for you!

  5. That just sucks on so many levels! I'm sorry.

  6. Ughhh. I'm so sad for you. Hugs and prayers, friend.

  7. Sooooooooo sad with and for you. HCG is one of the worst for early pg signs. I always made it to p+17 on it and hated having to deal with the unknowns in between. Hang in there, you are not alone.