Monday, September 29, 2014

"The Goal is to Leave the Island"

Me: "Hello?"... "Yoohoo?"

I wander on. "Is anyone here?"

And then I spot Rebecca, PolkadotKat, Mary Beth, Lora, M, and a few others. "Weren't there more of us here not that long ago?"


Clearly I'm not the only one who has been feeling like this. For all my talk (and knowing) about being last, I don't like feeling left behind more than anyone else does. As I was grumbling about it to Husbandido, he reminded me of something important: "The goal is to leave the island." Or as I later phrased it - this isn't Survivor; we don't want to be the last one standing. 

We dream about what it would mean to leave; we hope and pray to leave, as well as for the others here to be given that "Get Out of Jail Free" card. But then it happens to someone... or more likely, to several someones at once, and we're overwhelmed, shocked, lost, hurt, happy, a giant cauldron of mixed emotions. (And if you're really lucky, you've got fertility drugs supercharging them all, too.) 

As I've reached a point of mostly being okay* regardless of what happens, I have to remind myself "the goal is to leave the island." Hard as it may be to believe, I don't often think about or daydream about a life with children. I've acknowledged that I don't begin to know what our life would be like if we ever did have a child. Should that day come, I know I'll be sending messages in bottles, telegrams, and care packages to those still on the island as I try to navigate the minefield that is a changed friendship. Even if I leave the island, I will be bringing part of it with me, since it has changed and molded me. 

* I'm mostly okay, except for my bitter moments, and when this song comes on (as it did on my way home from running errands this morning). I love it, but it brings me to tears on a regular basis. (For those who don't know, Husbandido and I are ballroom dancers.) The thought that because of me, Husbandido may never have a daughter to dance with used to reduce me to a sobbing mess; the volume of tears has at least been reduced with repeated exposure.


  1. I'm still here too. I wish the island was an emptier place, for all our sakes.

  2. That is a feeling I have had lately, I am still here on this island! I have thought about it more as our 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up in December. I agree with Ecce, I wish we were all off this island.

  3. Lots of love, friend. I have such a strange relationship with the goal. It's such an odd feeling to know that the goal is to leave it all behind, but also to find purpose in it while you we're marooned there. Mostly though, I'm thankful for the people that promise to find a way to adjust the friendship and still be a part of my life regardless of whether the seasons we're in match each other.

    Lately, I find myself drawn to a lot of stories of people who are falsely imprisoned overseas where they are persecuted for being Christian...yet beautifully ministering to muslims and teaching them about Christ.

    Hugs and prayers.

  4. I have been thinking of all of you a lot. I just want it to be a deserted island!!

  5. It is so hard. I know we can find solace, knowing we are still going through IF, but in the end you are right: none of us should be here.

  6. Even if I am the last one on the island, I'll have my husband with me, and I find some comfort in that.