Sometimes, like last night as I was laying in bed after staying up too late reading, it sneaks up on me: the question I really don't want to think about. It's a question I may be scared to answer.
Do I still want children?
If we had children, I wouldn't be able to stay up too late reading and get up whenever I am rested. With a baby crawling around I would need to worry about keeping the floor a lot cleaner. Everything would need to be rearranged and thoroughly child-proofed; everything about our lives would change.
The fact of the matter is that I've gotten spoiled. Our lives, our money, and our time are ours to do with as we please. (Yes, there are still family obligations, but they're much more limited without children.) I don't have to wonder about whether we would live up to our ideals or plans for how we would raise children. I don't have to deal with dirty diapers, and my vomit clean-ups are limited to the cats. I don't have to worry about illness, teething, or growth charts. If we want to spend the evening watching TV or playing video games, we can.
I still enjoy being around friends' and family member's children, but it's nice to not have to be the one imposing discipline and dealing with all their problems. Yes, I still find children adorable, and my heart still aches, wishing we could have our own. But the all-consuming drive to do anything we can (that is licit, of course) to have children has eased.
But... (and you knew there had to be a but coming, right?) my husband still desperately wants children. In my less charitable moments, I can't help but feel that he has been less affected by all the side effects, discomforts, and emotional roller coaster rides. (I mean really, how many transvaginal ultrasounds or HSGs has he had to endure?) In my more charitable moments, I know that it's his innate optimism that keeps the desire strong. But the problem lies in the fact that if one of has children, the other has children, so we both have to want this.
For now the plan is to see a NaPro doctor in 2 weeks and see what he recommends. Once we know what is being asked of us we can decide if we're willing to do it. In the meantime, I'll keep trying not to think about the toughest question.
Do I still want children?
If we had children, I wouldn't be able to stay up too late reading and get up whenever I am rested. With a baby crawling around I would need to worry about keeping the floor a lot cleaner. Everything would need to be rearranged and thoroughly child-proofed; everything about our lives would change.
The fact of the matter is that I've gotten spoiled. Our lives, our money, and our time are ours to do with as we please. (Yes, there are still family obligations, but they're much more limited without children.) I don't have to wonder about whether we would live up to our ideals or plans for how we would raise children. I don't have to deal with dirty diapers, and my vomit clean-ups are limited to the cats. I don't have to worry about illness, teething, or growth charts. If we want to spend the evening watching TV or playing video games, we can.
I still enjoy being around friends' and family member's children, but it's nice to not have to be the one imposing discipline and dealing with all their problems. Yes, I still find children adorable, and my heart still aches, wishing we could have our own. But the all-consuming drive to do anything we can (that is licit, of course) to have children has eased.
But... (and you knew there had to be a but coming, right?) my husband still desperately wants children. In my less charitable moments, I can't help but feel that he has been less affected by all the side effects, discomforts, and emotional roller coaster rides. (I mean really, how many transvaginal ultrasounds or HSGs has he had to endure?) In my more charitable moments, I know that it's his innate optimism that keeps the desire strong. But the problem lies in the fact that if one of has children, the other has children, so we both have to want this.
For now the plan is to see a NaPro doctor in 2 weeks and see what he recommends. Once we know what is being asked of us we can decide if we're willing to do it. In the meantime, I'll keep trying not to think about the toughest question.
That is a tough question! I find myself asking the same thing some days. But usually I answer with a "YES" after just a little bit of the "but I like all the freedom I have now" thoughts. So my desire for freedom does not outweigh my desire to be a mom yet. We'll see as time goes on. But I do understand your feelings. And they are definitely valid. Prayers for you and your husband as you sort through where you're headed from here.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I feel like that's one of those questions that has no good answer...I actually just read an article in Women's day or one of those magazines they have at the doctor's office (while my husband was getting an MRI) and it was surprisingly beautiful. It was written by a woman who married late, decided with her husband that they'd be open to having kids but wouldn't take any extra measures to do so, and basically lived their life. She wrote about how much she enjoyed sleeping in, travelling, etc. And then they got pregnant. At 40+ something. And after the shock wore off, she was really happy about that too!
ReplyDeleteWhat am I saying...I too enjoy the "perks" of not having kids. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that! I'm not going to waste my Saturday mornings feeling guilty about sleeping in =) But if we are blessed with a child, I will do my best to enjoy that too! And I have a hunch it wouldn't be impossible...
I don't know, maybe don't think too much about this question? You certainly don't have to do everything licit in pursuit of a child, and I guess the devil is in the details as far as what both you and your husband are comfortable with...and yes, I'm sure your husband has experienced all the IF trials differently - I know mine has. I will pray for your discernment, peace, and contentment with where you are now! (That's what I pray for us too.)