Monday, October 13, 2014

Talking to Women About Fertility

I was scheduled to take part in a panel discussion this evening on (In)Fertility and Pregnancy; I organized the event for the local chapter of my alumnae group (Yep, I went to a women's college, one of the Seven Sisters). Instead the event was canceled due to lack of interest; not a single person expressed interest in attending. 

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement but not primarily because of the wasted time or effort. I'm disappointed that my fellow alumnae weren't interested. I don't think most women have given much thought to their fertility, and the media certainly doesn't help. Sure, you hear about the latest celebrity to undergo IVF or the new world's oldest mom or the birth of babies from transplanted wombs, but the overall cultural message is that you've got time - get your career established first, then take some time to enjoy being married before starting a family. To use my cousin's wife's phrasing "you've got all the time in the world." Except you don't. It's a huge lie, and one that hurts many women. Regardless of whether you believe mankind was created in God's image or is the result of random evolution, the biological fact is that a woman's most fertile years are in her twenties, and the older a woman is when she tries to conceive, the greater the probability that she will experience difficulties. Youth isn't a guarantee of fertility, but it increases your chances of success dramatically. It also provides time - time to identify and treat any and all problems, time to take a break when you can't handle another round, time to make good decisions. 

Certainly not all women meet their spouse when they are young. I would say that I didn't, except I did - we just didn't start dating until very many years later. And certainly circumstances play a role in when a couple starts trying to conceive; unemployment and a precarious financial situation meant that we weren't comfortable starting to try until we had been married for almost 3 years. But I hate that so many couples make those decisions ill-informed or misinformed. I had some knowledge of the limitations on a woman's fertility, but there is still so much more being discovered. Recent research has suggested that the major declines in female fertility start earlier than previously believed, around age 25. 

If it were up to me, women would start learning about their fertility in their teens, when they are developing their ideas of who they want to be and what they want out of life. If a woman doesn't want children, then she doesn't need to factor her fertility into her plans. But if she does, perhaps she should be open to marrying younger, to having children younger. With our increased life and health spans, we have countless years to make a career; the number of years we have to make a family are depressingly short. Some of the best professors I had in graduate school were women who had their children, then went back to graduate school and became research scientists. These were women at the top of their careers, winning major NIH grants and heading departments; their careers had not suffered for their late start. I followed the culturally advised path of college, graduate school, then marriage. We started trying to start our family a few months before I turned 33. I try not to wonder if things would have been different if we had dated earlier, married earlier, started trying earlier. There's nothing I can do about that now. But if even one woman can learn from mistakes, then it won't have been for nothing. And that's why I'm disappointed no one cared enough to come to tonight's talk.

9 comments:

  1. So well said! I really think women should be educated so much better about their bodies, its so sad that real information seems to be suppressed. In my 3 years dealing with IF, I have been told many times not to worry because I'm young (mid twenties), and that I have plenty of time. They don't seem to understand that things will just get worse as I get older. Ugh.

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  2. I agree wholeheartedly on educating women about their bodies and fertility so much earlier. Let's stop arguing about access to contraception on a system no one understands to begin with, right?!

    And I married at 33, so I hear you on not getting a chance to start earlier. I try not to think about it because I can't change it. That said, we can do something about other people not realizing these things. And that's what you tried to do with that talk tonight. I'm sorry and share your disappointment.

    Have university women come so far that they really think pregnancy is just a button they push when they want it? I would assume what they don't know about pregnancy and fertility and infertility is why they didn't come...sigh.

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  3. that sounds like a great event, and one that is needed. im actually surprised there wasnt much interest. Very sad, it could have helped a lot of women.

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  4. I heard a piece on NPR yesterday where two women were discussing women's careers and egg freezing... geez! I'm at a very great place in my career, and part of that is because I don't have kids yet, and do have pangs of "why did we wait?" but I can't drive myself crazy.

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  5. I agree that so much more education is needed! It's amazing some of the more simple knowledge that some people still don't know!

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  6. Agree! Wish the NaPro ways were taught to kids growing up to understand how their bodies work and have exposer to how difficult the process can be.

    Hang in there about your event. If you feel that you are to help others like you they will come out of the woodwork one way or another. Many who struggle often take time to come out and like you said many turn to ways that are not ethical. It can be a thankless job of what you are trying to do, but it is worth it!

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  7. I'm so sorry the event was canceled. I really hope there's another opportunity for it because it's so important that women learn more about their fertility!!

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  8. Hi Stephanie - sorry, I am just seeing this post now. My apologies for the late comment, but I wanted to say I was sorry that your even got cancelled. Everything you wrote was spot on and yes, I shake my head when I see some of those same notions bantered around in the public square. Just this morning I saw a story about a mother of one of the Sandy Hook students who was killed and she gave birth to another child. She is 47 and her husband is 53. It was a beautiful story, but for every 47 year old that is able to give birth (and I have no idea how the baby was conceived, so I am not commenting on that)…but anyway, for every 47 year old that is able to have a baby, there are many more even 30 year olds that are find themselves dealing with IF issues. I guess my point is nothing can be taking for granted and it is unfortunate there wasn't enough interest to hold the panel.

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  9. I know that statistically, there are a lot of older women trying to conceive, but most of the blogs I've read haven't represented that population. I was just shy of my 31rst birthday when I met my husband and we got married a year later, but our problem is probably congenital. There is a fair amount of finger wagging from the general public towards women in infertile couples - If only she han't put her career first. I would hate to feed into that because it's inaccurate for so many people.

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