Last month I turned 38. We've been TTC for 4 years and 3 months. I have no clue if my eggs are any good or if they were ever any good; there simply isn't any way to tell. More than 2 months after our last doctor's appointment, I'm still fighting to get everything I need to send our records to PPVI. Our FCP is rarely answering my e-mails, and then only after a significant delay. (I understand that she's busy, but she's also the one that convinced us that sending everything to PPVI was what we should do.) I spent the weekend before last waiting for her to call and not having the phone ring. Quite frankly, I feel like I am waiting for Godot.
Meanwhile, I've been seeing the phrase "worth the wait" turn up in a number of blog posts. It's reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend a little more than a year ago about how it's easy to say that it's worth the wait if the end result is having a child or an adoption that goes well, but can you say it's "worth the wait" if the wait doesn't end or ends with a heartbreaking result? She planned to write a post on it, but I don't think she ever did, and now she's pregnant. So this is my opinion on "worth the wait."
Looking back, from a position of having gained what you wanted, how easy is it discount the wait, the pain, the exhaustion, the suffering? Or from a different angle, if you knew, absolutely, that at a certain time you would gain your heart's desire, wouldn't it be much easier to use the intervening time productively, preparing yourself to receive it? We have no window to the future, no crystal ball. (And trying to know the future always ends badly - just ask Macbeth.)
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." The Man in Black, The Princess BrideLately I can't help but agree with with the Man in Black. For all my hopes and optimism this month, it turns out that my blood work was again horrible. Estradiol was only about 1/3 of that desired; progesterone was only half. I've had plenty of months of great P+7 blood work, with nothing to show for it. What am I waiting for? For paperwork, for answers? I don't know if I care about answers anymore. Most particularly, for a different answer? I want the answer to be "Yes" but expect it to stay "No." If the wait never ends, can it be worth the wait?
I have heard it said that God uses waiting to stretch us so he can fill us. I've always liked that image because it reminds me that of all the things I am waiting on in this life the greatest is union with God. This is what ALL the waiting has been FOR and so, hopefully, when I enter into heaven, I can say, "it was worth the wait!" regardless of if I ever have children call me mom. Beautiful Post. Your words echo my heart cry!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this too. This wait is just so awful when there is no end in sight, even as more and more friends are blessed to leave the island and were still here.
ReplyDeleteThe wait is worth not because you will end up eventually having a baby. The wait is worth if you are trying to live in the present day the will of God in your life. For example when I refused IVF and embryo selection I was sad because according to the Dr I was throwing away my only chance to be a mom but deep inside I felt the peace that comes from obedience to God's will and to the Church teachings. I knew I could sleep well knowing I had not sacrificed any life and my own soul to my will to become a mom.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'll ever get married or have a family, so it's a tough question. Is "it" worth the wait, when there's no clear definition of what "it" is? Yet I do know that I like who I am now, and that it is different than who I was before. I don't know if all of this was necessary, but given that it is what it is, I am okay with it (for this moment). Anyway, IF there is an answer to that question for someone who waits for something that never happens, the only person who can begin to figure out the answer is the one who is living it.
ReplyDeleteCatholic Mutt took the words out of my mouth! I don't know if we will ever have any living children but I am liking the person I am and who God is making me to be as I turn to Him to grow in virtue. I also would question what am I ultimately waiting for...for me the answer is eternal life with The Most Holy Trinity. I know that is such a grand and lofty ideal that is difficult to grasp while we live our everyday earthly lives but this ideal is what keeps me going. This ideal is more important than me having children. So Heaven is "worth the wait" and that is what I fix my heart on when I am not getting or may not ever have children.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you've said! The phrase only works when you receive what you've been waiting for. Or when you know for sure your wait will end in getting your heart's desire. It's really hard to hear and basically impossible to say while you're still in the waiting phase and don't know if your wait will end. And it definitely does not apply in the throws of IF, since theres no way of guaranteeing an end to your wait. For that I'm sorry. :(
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