Tuesday, January 20, 2015

A Need to Flee: A Secret Garden

I've gotten very good at figuring out when other women are pregnant; I suppose it's only natural after spending so much time learning about all the classic early pregnancy symptoms (and experiencing far too many of them courtesy of Clomid and HCG). Yesterday I found out that my cousin's (second) wife is pregnant. My mother says she thought she told me after my grandmother told her, but yesterday was the first I heard anything about it. My guess was based solely on her recent Facebook posts, which haven't said anything directly. Until now, it had been a while since I had to deal with a rush of pregnancies. I had even wondered if I was past that point in my life, especially with so many of the children of family and friends growing up quickly. There was the obligatory pregnancy announcement in a Christmas newsletter. (I don't know why, but there so often seems to be at least one. Fortunately I received the letter from his parents before the card. Getting the majority of the anger and frustration out of the way in advance at least let me appreciate the cuteness of their Christmas card.) Of course the couple in question has been married barely a year. 

As we approach our previously determined time to stop TTC, the last thing I want or need to is to be surrounded (even virtually) by pregnant women, some of whom seemed to conceive effortlessly and some of whom have struggled. Surveying those who are pregnant, I cannot deny that most of them are a good 5 to 10 years younger than I am. From a fertility perspective, I am decidedly past my prime. I keep trying to convince Husbandido that if he wants children as badly as he seems to, he should divorce me and find a younger, healthier wife. (And no, I would not claim that trying to convince your husband to divorce you is the most reasonable of behaviors. Would you believe it's the Clomid talking?) Mixed into those arguments are my protests that I really don't want to raise someone else's children and that I have no desire to spend the rest of my life being second best in the eyes of society and the children we are raising. As we are being reminded by the children of third-party assisted reproduction, children hunger to know and be raised by their biological parents. I would not argue that children whose biological parents cannot raise them do not deserve parents; they deserve parents as much as any other child. I'm just not sure that I have it in me to handle the inevitable comparisons to idealized "real" parents or protests that they don't have to listen to me because I'm not their real mother. 

Is it any wonder I want to flee? Granted, the looming 90th birthday bash for my grandmother is feeding my desire to flee. (The great-grands and coming baby will undoubtedly be the center of attention and talk of the weekend.)

My Secret Garden
My own private paradise,
Where no one may reach me,
My own secret garden,
Sealed without lock or key,
Where flowers bloom in rainbow splendor,
Perfuming the air vibrantly,
Where birdsong is heard a plenty,
No sign of a stereo box,
And bees hum their work song,
Drinking their nectar sweet.
Hidden from prying eyes,
From those who cannot see;
My secret garden,
Only for me. 5/4/1997


  1. Loved the poem. I'm sorry you are surrounded by pregnant women. I seem to be in a decade of that myself. Always the older one here too. You aren't alone in that. Hugs and prayers, friend.

  2. I'm so sorry you've had a rough go lately. :( We've missed you in the blogosphere.

  3. So sorry it's been tough lately. You are in my prayers. I really love your poem, it reminds me of hobbits for some reason :)

  4. I'm so sorry that it's been so rough. I'm sure it is the Clomid talking, but there is also a certain irrationality that strikes in the midst of so much pain, especially when you've been having to deal with it for so long. Prayers, my friend!

  5. Beautiful poem. I can relate to recognizing pg announcements from afar. not a fun skill tho. I hope you can get some you time for R and R, you need to take care of your heart in all of this.